CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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