Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
