He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
