i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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