Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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