Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
