Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
