Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
