My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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