Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
