Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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