you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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