Only a mothe r could love this liver
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
