soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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