Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
