How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
