The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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