Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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