I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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