If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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