When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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