Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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