When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
