i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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