do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
