The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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