Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
