Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
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I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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