New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
