I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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