anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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