last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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