explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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