so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
