I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
