I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
