end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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