Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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