note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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