I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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