and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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