go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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