Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
