Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
