Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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