and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You are the jesus of drinking
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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