Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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