I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
