sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
