it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
