you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
