My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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