due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
