I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
