Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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