dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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