Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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