hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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