Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
