How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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